friend

Since I was a child I have held my friendships, in a quiet reserve. I have felt unwavering love with an unabashed loyalty that may not always be apparent. My very first best friend allowed me a unique opportunity to experience unconditional love. I think that, without each other, we may not have been able to endure some of the darker sides of childhood. She was my light and when I open up my past, more often than not, I hear the sound that I cherish; the sound of us, two little girls laughing so honestly that I can live the rest of life with the comfort of knowing that no matter how much time passes even if I could not talk to her again, I am never alone because I have those times in my heart. She has always been down for me. Even as we entered our formative years of high school she stood, with her pom poms cheering me on as I sharpeed overly dramatic poetry on my bedroom walls, on my shoes on her arms. I must've been an irritating lil fuck but like I said her friendship was unconditional.

When we were 16 she moved away and we didn't see each other for sometime. In the in between years life’s experiences had changed us. When we met again she was braver, stronger. She was no longer the goofy knobbed kneed girl I'd run to defend. I was however more quiet, more timid. Not the girl who was once ready to take on the world. We talked, laughed cried. As she heard me bending to one of my life’s situation she asked me what happened. I used to be tough and brave "deserving". She asked why I had changed and nothing I could say would be ample enough of an excuse. She believed me to be who I am and when I cower I always think of that and pick myself up.

After a rough patch that life hands us sometimes I needed to detach from my life I needed to live nameless and faceless and pull myself together. I took time in a new city acting like a sight see-er to people I encountered. I hid in a city where there are people living on top of people on top of people. In retrospect I was extremely selfish but I needed to be. I remember right after Christmas, my roommate Ralph and his girlfriend Erin got me a Christmas gift. They aren't celebrating type so I didn't think they would. I was embarrassed as I sometimes get when there is too much attention directed my way. I hugged them and thanked them. I went to my room, not letting them know how touched I truly was. Their gesture and the things they said showed me they cared. I hadn't even realized they had. I care for them very much but I was selfish in thinking that they could care less. Even when I met really amazing people I kept a protective guard over who I am. After all, I was barely able to give to the really amazing people I already knew and loved. I hadn't felt deserving of what could come. I also had some trust issues with friendships, relationships and with myself.

Recently I saw some old friends. There is something to be said for friendship that endures past infatuation through the years. The kind that spans its colorful and tattered wings weaving in and out of our lives until initial attraction, exciting new adventures and interesting new perspective simmer and those moments which sometimes occur with very close people where we take things too personally, have fear, rivalry and codependence. When the aforementioned fade and there is still a friendship that exists, what left is a beautiful, worn, loved reminder of who we are.
Seeing these faces were enough to call me out the same way Jae once had. They showed me that I had changed and while change can be good I realized I didn't want to change too much the way I loved. I was not making the effort I could be simply because I needed for a moment to wallow in my loss and the life I had tied to it. I had been horrible at drawing boundaries and lost myself in a mess because of myself. I took it to the extreme other end and became someone who was holding so much back by building barriers against anyone who wanted to know anymore about me than how much wine I could hold down. (Which, by the way is quite an enjoyable past time). I opened myself up to 1 new person in the last year and a half and even with that she has had to come to me with both patience and persistence. I am grateful because once again I feel I've been blessed with someone who cares without ego and ownership without making me feel replaceable or dispensable. I have also met people I know will be part of my life. I know it, and knew it I just hadn't allowed it, yet. For the people I call "friend" I don't have the vocabulary to let you know how important you are. If its been a day or if it has been years- I love you.

I vow to make more of an effort with my past, my present and my future.
I think everybody deals with circumstances and situations as they occur in the best way we are able to at the time. I feel that now I am ready to engage and interact without worry of being spread thin, bending too much, losing or being rejected. I really do love some of the people life has blessed me with and for the ones that are no longer a part of my life, I do miss the times we were connected.

I know once again, I am capable of being a good friend and I intend on doing so. I welcome my new friends and cherish the ones I have had for years.